Sunday, 9 June 2013
My head is all over the place at the moment, it's like I can't concentrate on anything. I don't trust myself to make my own decisions, because every time I do, I get hurt, screwed over or let down. So, if I don't trust myself, how the hell am I supposed to trust anyone else? I realise I can't let my mistakes hang over my head forever, but they do seem to gather like a bad smell. It's like I can't get away from them. My own decision-making is gradually going downhill, so should I trust myself, when I seem to be the one constantly at the root of my own unhappiness? I'm too gullible to recognise a lie, and picking them out of the half-truths I get fed, is becoming increasingly difficult. Mistakes may make good stories, but eventually, you get tired of repeating them, it gets you down. How do you spot a good thing when you see it? Especially if you don't really trust your instincts? I have friends all around me, telling me to "be careful" and "watch my back" and all of the other trashy, half-hearted yet from-a-good-place comments, as if I'm the five year old who is unable to decide which crayon to draw with. I feel insulted when people don't trust my opinions and my instincts, yet I feel like maybe there's a reason they're so quick to dismiss my trusting ways. Maybe I do just make mistake after mistake after mistake. I need to figure out how to pick out the good times from the crowd, discard the bad decisions and not dwell on things that make me unhappy. To break the cycle, I must trust myself and have the courage of my convictions. Every time I say "I trust you," I need to learn to mean it with every bone in my body, so that when someone tells me otherwise, I can confidently dismiss them. It's not my fault, trust is such a dirty word.