There really is so much pressure surrounding us these days, that it's hard to get anything right. How do you get something down to a T when odds are on that you'll mess up fifty times before you could ever do something half-decent? Night spent tossing and turning, taking your passivity out on your duvet and even occasionally right-hooking your pillows when the agitation gets too much. And why? What's the reason? Worrying. I don't know about the rest of you (presuming, perhaps vainly, that there is someone reading this) but I worry about everything. That's right. Anything you can fix your mind on, I worry about. From the usual stuff like being late, or embarrassing myself in front of someone *important* or academic achievements, to totally outrageous and unlikely things that aren't probable at all.
Worrying about not being thin enough, or clever enough, or pretty enough, or tall enough, or loud enough, or confident enough, or fashion able enough, or independent enough, or happy enough, or plain-and-simple, no-sugar-coating-necessary, just being not enough. I think that's probably my biggest fear (if you discount moths, lifts, heights and bridges, that is.) Maybe I won't live up to everyone's expectations, and then what? What on earth would I do? If I don't live up to my own, my degree is wasted, and my dream is in tatters? My family would be so disappointed and slightly disgraced, my friends would try to help but there wouldn't be much to say to console me. After all, I am difficult at the best of times.
Anyway, you can see how my stream-of-consciousness thinking has a tendency to get out-of-hand. I do this a lot. And I mean, not just like once or twice a month, or every time Comedy Central puts adverts in between their day-long re-runs of Friends, but a lot indeed. I'm really insecure, and when it comes down to it, I don't have enough self-confidence to brush these doubts and worries under the carpet, so my head gets a little done in from time to time. So, this isn't even one of those little philisophical blog posts reflecting on life, this is merely just life as it is, for me. This is me saying, hello, I'm insecure, a total worrier and I don't know how to change it.
That's it. That's all.