Basic instincts.

I can say, hand-on-heart, sometimes, you can trust someone blindly, for no reason or fault of your own. It's just that they, to you, appear/seem trustworthy. If you're anything like me, you tend to trust most people, (I'm kind of gullible but shh!) So, I don't always pride myself in being the best judge of character, however, I like to think I'm reasonably okay at reading people and judging them on what I observe. Yet I'm quite stumped recently. There's someone in my life I can't seem to fathom, and it irritates me. One minute, I'm convinced I've figured him out, and then there's a hiccup, a bump in the road, an obstacle of some sort, and I'm right back to miserable, confusing square one. As I lie in bed mulling over two sides of a dreamed up argument, I feel silly. Scratch that, I feel really, really, stupid.

I mean, here I am, already making peace with the fact I will get little or no sleep tonight, due to a prolonged recovery from what shouldn't have even been known as an 'illness' and the annoying fact that whatever I do and no matter how hard j try, you are the one person I just can't seem to understand. I can't predict what you're going to say, I can't presume how you'll react, because even if I find myself doing just that, you become totally different and it blows me off course. Maybe I don't know you very well, or maybe, just maybe, deep-down I know I can, despite what people say, trust my instincts, especially in this instance. I suppose, only time, and you, will tell. 

I've got your back.

My year 5 teacher, Mr Rafferty, used to tell us (along with many other random life lessons) something that has stuck in my mind ever since he first breathed it. You can count the names of your true friends on the fingers of one hand. At the naive ages of 9 and 10, we all shook our heads in disbelief and amazement gathered around, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, looking waaay up to a man of six foot four inches tall. As you got older, you made more friends, right? Not necessarily, as we've all come to realise. The term "friends" seems to be thrown about a lot, when in fact, everyone knows who they really regard as their friends deep down. 

My nineteen (I hate to say it) almost twenty year old self, understands this now. I have very few friends who I'd consider my true friends, however, that's not a bad thing at all. Well, not in my eyes anyway. Those special few in my life matter infinite amounts. The few I'd run to at 3 in the morning because they've just gone through a nasty break-up, or a family argument, or just because they're drunk and upset, or ready to keep on drinking. The ones I'd spend the night on the bathroom floor with, holding their hair back when they've had too much vodka and coke's in town. The one's I can go for days without texting, seeing, or talking to, and everything will be the same when we reunite. The people who know me better, sometimes, than I know myself. The amazing few who I'd run into a burning building for, conquer my biggest fears to save (and yes Elizabeth, I'd sacrifice my left arm for you, babe.) The one's I'd bail out of prison or end up in A&E with (but let's really not jinx that last one!) The group I'd do anything for in my power, day or night. I'd be there for my friends even if it meant feigning sleep, or running on zero coffee (and that really is a big deal!) The ones who know and keep my biggest secrets, my worst fears, flaws and deepest insecurities, and still put up with me anyway. This is just a little thing, to say I love you all, I never want to lose you. Oh, and one more thing. I've got your backs.

Young, free and changeable: That is the question.

I'm a strong believer in the theory that people, despite what is said, can, and do, change. The old cliché is that, some people are destined to be the same selfish, back-stabbing, bitchy teens they always were. Young, free and reckless, yeah? Well, not always. People DO grow up, grow out of their "flaws" and realise their mistakes. I recently began exploring this sentiment, as it was relevant to something happening in my life. The question I raised with my closest friends was just that. Do you think people can change? And what was the answer I received? Yes. Of course they can. I would hate to think that there were people judging me on the mistakes I made in the past, as after all, they ARE in the past, not in the present. We all do stupid things we come to regret, and while some are more serious than others, I guess it's possible, no matter how much we like to think its untrue. 

We could all make potentially damaging mistakes in the heat of the moment, and would we really want our heads put on the chopping board for life, because of a Friday night's drunk antics, or a text you sent when you were pissed off, or the punch you threw in year nine over lunch? We all make mistakes and are, inevitably, all subject to prejudices. I truly do (and want to) believe that we can all learn from our mistakes, rather than repeat them over and over and over again. Maybe we shouldn't have to serve life-sentences for petty crimes, maybe we should be more forgiving, and maybe, just maybe, leopards really do change their spots. 

What I call a conscience.

You're the dull ache in the pit of my stomach. The feeling of dread when there's something up. That well-named gut feeling. The thing that enables me to feel butterflies one minute and fuming anger the next, well, that and a very slight tendency to overreact. A horrible feeling meeting a smiley, happy-go-lucky one. And what happens when hot and cold air meet? They clash. Truth V Lies. Denial V Reality. Battles that are bound to end badly, but do we care? Do we hell!

I've confided in friends and then hated myself for it.  For the way they reacted when I did just that. I have started to think it's unfair to depend solely on my friends who want the best for me, because sometimes they don't hold the right answers, or the best ones, or the ones you really want to hear. But that's all okay. I was, perhaps naively, hoping for some advice minus judgement, but I'm not sure that's possible when friends are involved. There's a thin line between wanting the best for someone, and actually just wanting to appear right. It's a blessing in disguise though. Friends want the best for you and I know, I'd run into a burning building for a few of my closest girls, no matter the consequences.

I don't do poetry. This isn't really an attempt, but it is, sort of. It's not meant to be great and profound. But honest. After all, fellow bloggers have praised me for my somewhat-honest outlook. The truth doesn't always hurt.


I want to trust you,
but only for the right reasons,
no wrong answers
or bad decisions
I'm sick of that.
I'm through with that.
The awful demeaning
nasty feeling
in the pit
of your stomach
that tells you,
no, -scratch that,
screams at you,
that this,
is a bad idea.
That this is just
another one
in the huge list
of bad ideas
brought to you,
by the ministry of Are You Stupid?

Tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.

BFU: Big Fat Users.

I hate them, you hate them, everybody on the planet hates them. There isn’t a more gut-wrenching feeling than finding out that someone who you previously trusted, has, in fact, just been using you, leading you on, or just being waiting to blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets.

No matter how many messages you send, smiles you flash or kisses you share, there’s always a distinct possibility that that someone is using you. Do people get a kick out of it? Do they like the attention but nothing more? Are they serious commitment-phobes? What is it? Do they just like screwing around. All of the above seem applicable in my case. I don’t understand why someone would go out of their way to lead me on, and then slag me off, and belittle me in front of their friends. It’s not big, it’s not clever, it doesn’t make you a LAD. It makes you a first-grade douche bag or a down-right bitch, an award that not even the most ignorant of you want to willingly accept. 

Whether it's a guy you currently have feelings for, a friend who you always think has somewhere they'd rather be or just someone who goes out of their way to make you feel like you're second-rate, they're all equally as bad as each other. It's annoying and from time to time, I want to casually approach them and scream something degrading and insulting right in their small little faces. It's an awful, cruel thing to do, and so many lovely, genuine people I know have been screwed over, turned down or humiliated, because of someone they know, and at one point, trusted just a bit too much. 

These people don't even deserve the attention or the acknowledgement they'd receive from a blog post such as this one, but my anger needs to be released in a less conflicting way than throwing a punch (or more likely a drink) over said culprit. Either way, all you undeserving, innocent bystanders, presumably all share my hatred for such kinds of people. I don't know what makes them think they're "entitled" to treat others in such a way, or what kind of kick they get out it. It's unacceptable, ruthlessly vicious and down-right uncalled for, but those BFU's still feel the need to pick up and drop people like it's some kind of sport.

I guess all we can do, as the (somewhat) innocent parties, is act like we aren't even phased by it, show we are in fact The Bigger People, and occasionally (really, ONLY occasionally) give them a taste of their own, bitter medicine.