Mass of negatives.

Lately, I seem to have given up with regards to my degree. I don't know what I'm doing with it, and I'm struggling. The assignments get me stressed and get me down. I cry. I honestly am not ashamed to say it. My writing is dwindling, my skill isn't even really there, and I feel like I'm totally lost. Whatever I started out to do seems to have vanished from my view. My friends are making plans for after this (final) year and I don't know where to start. The passion once in my eyes seems to have fizzled out. I'm passive, apathetic and maybe, just maybe I want to want something simple. 

I sometimes sit and curse the fact I've aimed for something better in life. I look at my family and want to make them proud. But at the same time, I have a lot of respect for them. I see what hard work does, but in turn, what it does to people. I want to make something of myself, for my family, as well as for me. But what? Writing is a stupid aim, I curse myself saying. What can I write? A journalistic article? I don't know enough. I'm too opinionated on things nobody wants to read about. I don't have the concentration or the skill to write a novel, and even then, that's hardly a livelihood to sit on. I need to get my act together and my arse into gear. 

But lately, I have my home ties more than ever. I want to stay close, my family are everything to me, and things at the minute need praying for. My 'career' or whatever that is/may come to be, is on the  back bench. I'm sick of everyone telling me to plunge myself into a career. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'D WANT TO BE A TEACHER?! 

Stressed, bored, apathetic, lost drive. No enthusiasm. Winter blues, we meet again. 

Quips and crutches.

Believe it or not, I've actually found myself voluntarily thinking about something I've been taught at uni. According to a theorist we've been introduced to, we only understand what an object or concept is due to the existence of an opposite. This is known as dialectics. (Something I've found quite interesting!) For example, we only understand what 'light' means because we are familiar with that 'dark' means. You get it, it's pretty simple really. This then, strangely enough, got me thinking about, as the title suggests, quips and crutches. Just because something can be seen as negative, does that mean it can never be positive? If a habit, a flaw, a quip or a crutch has negative connotations, it doesn't always automatically mean that this is a negative attribute that someone possesses.

While a quip sounds positive, whimsical even, a flaw or a crutch immediately make you think pessimistically, right? Well, what if that way of thinking isn't to be encouraged? Think of some habits you possess, do you put a positive or negative spin on them, and why? In my oh-so-deep train of thought, I got wondering why do we let our flaws define us, when really, they are only a tiny part of who we really are. I am, perhaps, quite proud of my habits. Well, most of them. I practically advertise my daily dose of caffeine, my occasional binge drinking and inability to stop tweeting. I bite my nails and swear too much and I'm really annoyingly pessimistic at times. I'm overly opinionated and can sometimes be offensive. I'm slightly OCD at times, and like everything my own way, I play with my hair a lot and I life way out of my means. I'm a creature of habit. And all of these things, well, are they necessarily bad things? Since when did our habits become our downfalls? Why should my coffee addiction be a negative? Or the fact I'm slightly predictable, -it just means I'm reliable and pretty easy to track down if/when you need me. I don't think my habits are flaws by default, nor am I solely defined by these things, instead, they are just a small part of who I am. If you know my habits, you are one step closer to understanding who I am, under the smiley exterior. I like to think that my habits, crutches, quips, flaws and failings are what make me an individual. United and apart, they are a small piece of who I am, as well as who I want to be. Some conscious, others unconscious, these things make me who I am, and who my friends and family know and love. Sure, I have things I wish I could change, but then again, would it be the same? My gullibility, my stupid, slightly 'blonde' moments, my obsessive streak, these are what sometimes I'm known best for, even if I don't like them, someone does. 

So, maybe we should be appreciating those flaws, instead of trying to hide them. Who says anyone else sees them as flaws except you? Insecurities are only just that because you feel a certain way about them. Just think, imagine if what you hate about yourself is exactly what someone loves about you?

Breathe.

It never just rains, it pours.
How true that is.
Especially today.

Silver linings.

It's a typical Sunday for me, unfolding as they usually do. The skies are looking ominously grey and moody, the rain is only appearing subdued for a short period. Usual tequila-shaped hangovers are strangely not hanging in the air, so it's a bit weird. A sense of regret. A weird feeling of nervousness sits waiting in the pit of my stomach, like a lion about to break out of a cage. It's only ever summer for a few weeks of the year in the North East, and this year seems no different. The big yellow thing in the sky has done a disappearing act yet again, and everyone is waiting longingly and perhaps, urgently, for its immediate return. I feel life my life has been wrapped in so much turmoil since I blogged last, yet can be excused with an over-exaggerated shrug of the shoulders, too many vodkas and bad decisions. Chipped nails, sore feet and moody faces. Anger, upset and someone shouting "how could you?!" Days like this are overrated. I'm only happy because of the typical Sunday practise, of dinner with my family at my Grandma Juney's. This always happens, so it's quite a comforting release usually. Forgetting everything going on in my life, any problems or quarreling go sharply out of the nearest open window, and relaxation and laughter are welcomed in.

I've admitted on more than one occasion that I'm a pessimistic person. This is unbelievably true. With everything going on at the minute, I got to thinking; maybe sometimes, the grey skies and the blurry edges are sometimes all you can see. That a silver lining is just actually a stupid way of looking at a grey cloud, and that no matter how much you hope, the rain will still pour. You can only get screwed over so many times before you start to think that maybe that's just you. Maybe everyone else isn't the fuck-up types, and actually, you're the root of your own problem. Maybe, just maybe, your 'bad day' isn't something you want to shrug off. You want to hide in your room, close the doors, get under the bed covers, and cry until you fall asleep. You want to turn off your phone and turn up the volume on the television, and pig out, and not care what anyone else thinks, because sometimes, you need to put yourself and your own needs first. Not every sky has a sun peeking out of from behind the clouds, not every situation can be dealt with using a positive outlook and a cheshire-cat sized grin, and in my book, not every cloud really does have a silver lining.