Anything but HAPPY.

"You can't go to sleep like that, it's not fair." 

So, you're not supposed to go to bed in the middle of an argument. The age-old cliché, I guess. But, I never thought anyone would say it to me. The voice vibrates around the darkness in my room, reverberating through my ears. The words echo in my mind, over and over and over, until they don't sound like words any more. Despite whatever it is we're arguing over, part of me doesn't hear it. The romantic in me is too swept off it's feet. That's a movie line, or a famous quote, or something. It's not something I expected to hear, ever. Maybe it sounds stupid to make so much of so little, but to me, it's different. All I could want to hear and more. I've got everything I could ask for. My silly, fluffy, soft insides have longed for someone who won't let me go to bed feeling anything but happy. 

Gullible.

That's what I am, what I've always been. It's funny, it's silly and everyone gets a laugh out of it every now and again, but sometimes, I hate it. I hate the fact that I believe what I'm told. I'm trusting. I believe the people in my life, whether it's a big or small matter, because I have a tendency to lap up the information I'm given. Oh, and the obvious bit; I trust my people with my life. 

It brands me "blonde" and "hilarious" and just plain "stupid" at times, and I think I just need to give myself a shake. I began writing this piece a while ago, and then stopped, probably because I was hesitant. Until maybe, it doesn't really matter. Until there's someone who likes that part of me, and then, I guess, that's alright too. 

One's company.

From the mundane to the insane, we all have our days. It's no secret that one of my not-so-guilty pleasures is disappearing. Not literally. Just socially. While usually, I love nothing more than to surround myself with friends, people who make me laugh, finish my sentences and are willing to publicly embarrass themselves along with me. Sometimes, I like being on my own. My own company soothes me from time to time. Disappearing into a boxset, a season of whatever the latest addiction is: (Grey's, Private Practise, Downton, anything...) or even just a good book, that time I spend on my own and in my own company is something I cherish. Whether I need personal headspace or just a breather from constant social interactions and commitments to just have time on my lonesome, it's important. To write, read or simply zone out, I like my own company at times. To be able to ignore my phone, lock the door and just chill. Sometimes, I think people take it personally, my absence is mistaken for ignorance, my silence for anger or resentment. It's none of those things, well, not usually. If I'm angry or upset or down, I tend to shout about it, unless it's something very close to my heart, in which, I'll deal with privately. There are some things I've never ever said to anyone. Some things I don't want a response from, so I never say because it's sometimes tainted by someone else's interpretation. That's the same with my writing. There are one or two pieces of writing I probably will never share publicly, due to them being so important to me, and yet, so private at the same time. So if I suddenly go off the radar for a few hours, or a few days, don't worry. I'll be just recharging my batteries or something. If I don't contact you, contact me, I'm not being ignorant, maybe I've just got too much going on to have time. If you need me, I'll be there, whether it's snowing and I've got no make up on, or you're drunk and not making any sense. I'm only as absent as I need to be. I'll always sacrifice my own needs for someone close to me, it's just what I do. Quiet time doesn't last, so just bare with me. Likelihood is, I'm having the time of my life.