Distraction tactics.

Today, for the first time in what seems like forever, I picked up my laptop, opened Blogger and found myself needing to write. Inspired may not be the word I would choose. Instead, I had the urge to write through my mixed-up emotions in my head. The reason I actually started blogging in the first place. For ages now, it's felt like I've neglected my writing, and more specifically my love for writing. My relationship with words has been rocky, tumultuous, strained. I've had too much work to do for uni, too much stress and weight on my shoulders, and after days of my head being filled with workloads and textbook theory, I grew resentful of the words I had to write, rather than the ones I enjoyed, and chose to use.

This isn't to say that I haven't written anything in a while. I always write. I write myself notes at 2 in the morning when I wake up with cold feet and a restless feeling in my chest. I type out thoughts and musings on my phone in the 'Notes' bit, just to get my emotions down, rather than being solely in my head. I send my boyfriend, and a few of my friends, huge, convoluted paragraphs of my thought processes, writing ideas, and just general ramblings.

Today, I feel the need to write things down. There's a lot going on that my head can't quite fathom, so writing and mumbling into the vast sphere of the internet appears to be my chosen coping mechanism. Let's just hope this all works. Let's just hope this all works out.

Blind hope.

You're laughing and joking and making plans, for the weekend, and the summer, and the future, and then suddenly life throws another curveball and everyone just stands there, looking at it, like, 'SHIT.' 

I am lying in bed, cocooned in my quilt, and I can't shift the attitude that life just isn't fair. Certain individuals seem to be handed the worst of hands, and it doesn't seem right, or okay, or fair at all. With crossed fingers and toes, tense chests and heavy hearts, we hope things turn out okay. There is no other option, nothing else we can bare to entertain. This is the only outcome we can fathom, so no pressure, SCRATCH THAT, all the pressure in the world is on your shoulders, because after all, even Duffy Moon can do it. 

91.

The number of posts I have to write before the end of the year to match last year's blog post total. So technically, let's make it 92 and exceed last year. 

A lot has happened in a year. Too much to even let float around my brain altogether, because it may just make my head explode. It's been a damn good year really, and I'm praying it gets better. It just needs to. It's really important it does. 

Bound and gagged.

Okay, okay. Calm down. It's not that kind of blog post. What kind of shit do you think I write? *blushes* Yeah, okay, I laughed at myself. Apparently that's a sign of madness. May as well be one I applaud and self-confess. So, what's with the title, you may be wondering... Well, it's how I feel right now. I've attempted this blog post four times now. Every time, I was unhappy with the words on the screen. I deleted them with enforced frustration. My words weren't conveying the tone I wanted. It was, it seemed, useless. 

So that's how I felt, bound and gagged. Stuck. As if I couldn't find the appropriate words to explain how I was feeling. I still don't think I can, not really. My head is whirlwinding, sort of. Ups and downs. Good news and bad news. Positives and negatives. My mind is torn between tears and grins, and the poles are further apart than ever. I have my lovely other half to thank for the constant grin sprawled so effortlessly on my face. Lukas, thank you. For being just so amazing. Being with him is like my happy place, as Phoebe says, and he is my person, to quote Cristina in Grey's. The reason for my insane happiness. Now for the other side of the spectrum. Someone I don't physically know, and yet, have come to know, may be going through more than I can ever imagine. She's incredible, and is strong enough to get through whatever life throws at her, I just know it. Gracie, you can do this shit, okay? Whatever you need, there are people around to throw it in your direction with amazing force. Eloquence seems to have left me amidst my subsequent confusion, but it will hopefully be sitting comfortably in my lap soon. Today ends with prayers, happy thoughts and the confidence that things get worse before they get better. 

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

I want to be a real-life Carrie Bradshaw meets Bridget Jones. With a bank balance like J.K. Rowling's, a fan-base like John Green and the infamy of Oscar Wilde. That's probably ambitious, but who cares? Maybe I'll get lucky.