Running in blind.

I trust you and maybe I shouldn't. Then again, maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm finally looking on the Bright Side of things, for good reason. Maybe. I'm not sure. But I can't be totally sure about anything. Everyone in my life, (okay, a fair few) are telling me one thing, but the feeling welling up in the pit of my stomach is pointing me in a different direction altogether. It's urging me to follow my heart. For once, take the risk and ignore what's at stake, because what I've got to gain is so much more important. I realise that. I know it. I  to take the risk. I'm just terrified of doing just that, and then, what if I'm wrong, and everything falls apart, and what if my support system fails me this time. What if they refuse to just pick up the pieces one more time? I don't know, I sometimes wouldn't blame them. 

Despite this, I'll follow my heart. (Soppy comment alert. Let's all cringe together!) In the very wise words of Meredith Grey;

"...knowing is better than wondering, waking up is better than sleeping, and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying."

I'm running in blind, but so what? Don't we do that every day?

You're running through my veins.

Okay. Since the misery that was this morning, I've had a better-late-than-never change of heart. I realised that my downturned face was just spreading negativity and it was all so bloody unnecessary. So, I started rebuilding my bridges. I felt so down that I hadn't spent much time with anyone lately, and stupidly felt like I was losing those that are most important to me. Stupidly so, looking back a mere ten hours, I realise I was having a mental block and it was all so unnecessary. So, I slapped a big grin on my face and began texting all of the mad, crazy, wonderful people in my life, updating them on my newly positive state, apologising for being such a moody bitch lately, and making plans for the near future. 

After doing so, I realised something. As the replies came flooding in, I was doing something I hadn't for a while. I was grinning. And by that I mean full-on, genuine smiley grinning. Natural happiness showed across my face and a sense of relief settled on my shoulders. My support system, my loved ones, the greatest people you will ever meet, well, they were there for me all along and I somehow, in my bad week, my sleepless nights and my illness, lost sight of that. Silly enough as it is. And through that, I realised something else. While I need basic things, food and water and warmth and shelter for survival, in reality, I need more than that. You lot, you special, wonderful people in my life, you make me tick. You're the reason I get up on a morning, the reason I smile or laugh, the reason my heart beats and my lungs breathe. You're the blood running through my veins. What I'm saying is, not only do I not want to live without you, I physically can't. 

I've got your back.

My year 5 teacher, Mr Rafferty, used to tell us (along with many other random life lessons) something that has stuck in my mind ever since he first breathed it. You can count the names of your true friends on the fingers of one hand. At the naive ages of 9 and 10, we all shook our heads in disbelief and amazement gathered around, sitting cross-legged on the carpet, looking waaay up to a man of six foot four inches tall. As you got older, you made more friends, right? Not necessarily, as we've all come to realise. The term "friends" seems to be thrown about a lot, when in fact, everyone knows who they really regard as their friends deep down. 

My nineteen (I hate to say it) almost twenty year old self, understands this now. I have very few friends who I'd consider my true friends, however, that's not a bad thing at all. Well, not in my eyes anyway. Those special few in my life matter infinite amounts. The few I'd run to at 3 in the morning because they've just gone through a nasty break-up, or a family argument, or just because they're drunk and upset, or ready to keep on drinking. The ones I'd spend the night on the bathroom floor with, holding their hair back when they've had too much vodka and coke's in town. The one's I can go for days without texting, seeing, or talking to, and everything will be the same when we reunite. The people who know me better, sometimes, than I know myself. The amazing few who I'd run into a burning building for, conquer my biggest fears to save (and yes Elizabeth, I'd sacrifice my left arm for you, babe.) The one's I'd bail out of prison or end up in A&E with (but let's really not jinx that last one!) The group I'd do anything for in my power, day or night. I'd be there for my friends even if it meant feigning sleep, or running on zero coffee (and that really is a big deal!) The ones who know and keep my biggest secrets, my worst fears, flaws and deepest insecurities, and still put up with me anyway. This is just a little thing, to say I love you all, I never want to lose you. Oh, and one more thing. I've got your backs.

Promises promises.

My general musings scare me from time to time.

I got to thinking. How easy some people seem to find it, to walk out of my life without a second glance or a pang in their conscience? How easily some people shrug off how much I mean to them or how much they mean to me. What our time spent together meant, what that look said last week, and how difficult or easy they found the decision to walk out of the front door of my life, and never ever open it again.

Over the years, countless people have left. For various different, or, sometimes, unknown reasons. The friend who moved away and swore she'd keep in touch, just like she swore she'd keep my secrets and take them to the grave. But sometimes, people make promises they can't keep. They say they won't hurt you, and go ahead and big-fat-do-it-anyway (to quote Phoebe Buffay.)

Don't make me a promise you can't keep. Don't say you'll stay when you've got one hand on the door-handle, turning the key with the other. If you aren't sure, that's okay, because maybe I'm not sure either. But does that matter? Don't lie to me. I deserve more than that. And if you valued me at all, as a girl, as a female, as a human being, as a friend, or anything more, you'd respect me enough to tell me the truth.

Don't lie to me. It'll all come out in the end, and I'm through with that. I'm through being the laughing stock, the girl nobody wants to be near, the one who just doesn't really matter to anyone. It's a feeling that's enough to make you sick. I've spent days wanting to hide under my quilt, never to resurface, because of what someone said to me one night. Nobody has any idea how that makes me feel, that in between my friends, and endless string of male species (not all at once, or forming a line, you must know) who treat me like my decisions don't matter, and my feelings are just throw-away thoughts. They aren't. They DO matter. To me, if not to you. Don't waste my time. If you're unsure, that's okay, tell me, and we can be unsure and wary together. I'm  not asking you to sign a marriage licence or a housing agreement or a , I'm just saying, if you enter my life, please be willing to give it a good run before you dash off.

I'm not asking for a proposal. I'm not asking for you to swear on your family's lives that we'll be "best friends forever" or that you'll never leave my side, never cheat on me, never have eyes for anyone else, never laugh at anyone else's jokes or admire their personality or just wish you had someone else in your life, because all of that would be deeply unfair. I'm not stupid. I do know that people move on. I do know that people have a tendency to change. Of course they do. People grow up, grow out of each other and meet people who are more reaffirming of where they have arrived in their new lives.

All I'll ask is, don't intentionally mess me about. Promises, despite what rumour has it, are not made to be broken.

Dedication #2: Steph.

Right, I've been meaning to do another dedication for weeks, and never got round to it. I really probably should have a million and one other things to do right now, like revision for my last exam on Monday, but that will have to be done at a more motivated time. For now, my dedication is as follows. I hope she reads this, considering we've just been talking about my blogging habits over piping hot Starbucks.

Stephanie, or more so, Steph. One of my best friends. One of the craziest, funniest people I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last few years. It's one of those weird situations. We went to school together for years, and always spoke, but it was like, as soon as we got into Sixth Form, we immediately clicked. I found myself thinking 'how the hell have I not been friends with this girl before now?' It's hard to explain. So, if a picture speaks a thousand words, here's a summary:

It's like there are no words to describe how much this girl means to me. She's painfully hilarious (we laugh for hours on end!) about anything and everything. There's nothing I can't tell her, and I like to think that the feeling is mutual. We've been through a lot together, from two years of mind-numbingly difficult A-levels, including our very weird Pyschology lessons, to receiving our exam results and finding out we both were destined for the same place. I know what you're thinking, stardom, obviously? Perhaps one day, rather the same Uni. Northumbria, to specify. Perhaps the lesser known of the two universities in our home town in Newcastle, but certainly that does not mean it's in any way less eventful, in fact, I think we certainly show everyone how to enjoy themselves.

I've had the funniest time lately, since starting uni. I trust Steph with my life, and I know I can say anything and everything to her, and she can do the same to me, (and has on a few very necessary occasions!) She's definitely what you'd call my drinking partner, and I'm always telling people exactly that. We get drunk together, we shop together and we never ever stop talking. In the past six months or so, we've been to pub crawls, countless parties (including a fancy dress foam party, pictured above) celebrated birthdays, holidays, exams, results, or just partied because it was Friday night. She's the kind of person I can talk with for hours on end, and we never ever run out of things to say. But even if we did, what would it matter? The one I immediately look for, ring or text when a particular favourite song comes on, when I spot a certain someone in a crowd of people, or just when I have some seriously juicy gossip to share. She's amazing, and I don't tell her enough how much I love her. She's been with me through a lot, and I know I can count on her. The girl who I know can ring me up for a quick chat or a three hour update on the latest things happening in our lives. She knows everything, and I trust her with every word I say.

                                                             "Trebles anyone?!"
                                                       

Also, I must say, at times she must have the patience of a saint. As anyone who knows me well, knows I have a tendency to get drunk and make a fool of myself, well, although this is fine, Steph's the one always there, to make sure I don't ring the one person I shouldn't, waste all my money on sambuca and get me home in one piece. I thank her for that often, because everyone knows it's necessary from time to time. The girl who honestly doesn't believe in herself enough, and she seriously should. She's amazing and lovely, and it's about time she realised the extent of it. I'd be lost without her, so much so, we're jetting off to Ibiza in the summer together, for a fabulous time, I'm sure. Steph's also kind of a genius. She'll laugh when she reads this, because she's quite modest, and god knows why, because there's no need to be sometimes! Pursuing a degree in Human Biosciences (yes, oh my god) genius. Not only is she studying something scientific, she's also pretty damn good at it, and that's not what many people can say.

So, Steph, if you're reading this, then I hope you're smiling. You're fab. I wouldn't change you, and you're not losing me any time in the near (or far) future, just to instruct you of such. (I know you'll probably be laughing!) There's so much more I'd say, but it all depends who's reading this. Steph will understand the references more than most. We're very alike. In more ways than one. She copes with my drunken antics, and I'd do the same for her. And she, somewhat astonishingly, hasn't slapped me, when my increasingly foul mouth runs away with itself. Dilemma hour seems to be a regular thing between us, and I'm so looking forward to spending the summer with her (and others) and having what will, hopefully, be the time of our lives.

Because let's be honest, we always do.

Dedication #1: I'm the Cheryl to her Betty.

Elizabeth-y. Lizzybeth. Bitsy. Betty. 

The girl who knows me better than I know myself. My best friend, through everything. The girl I got to know over one too many creative Variation posters in Mr Cook's science lessons in Year 8. We have been through so much together, from mutual friends' fall-outs, to family problems and everything in between. The one I've taken countless photos with, the one with impeccable taste, the best sense of humour and the greatest air-guitarist of all-time. My Earth Hour partner, my confidante, my drunk text buddy, my other half on Bebo all those years ago. 

The one who I struggled to stifle laughter with through countless Media and English lessons with Rosey. In the time we've known each other, we've been all over together; A very wet, miserable yet hilarious 3 days in the Scottish Borders for 'team building', two very questionable, so-called 'educational' visits to Edinburgh, two very random, lengthy trips to Stratford, which our teachers swore were 'cultural visits', god knows how many cinema outings, meals and shopping trips in between. We spent two weeks together in Turkey a few years back, and lived to tell the tale, minus a few dodgy run-ins with the locals, some very funny experiences with someone we've come to know as Poodley (for unexplainable reasons) and the ultimate risk of being drowned in the pool, unless we participated, willingly, in The Dance. It was one of the best experiences of my life.

She's the one person who knows every one of my secrets, the person who means the world and more to me, the person I trust with my life. I was in a total panic, god knows why, when I was going to start Uni back in September, and for the first time, I wouldn't be surrounded by the same familiar faces, namely Betty. The fear that we'd drift apart and eventually become strangers, was horrifying to me.Obviously, I was blind to think i could ever get rid of her that easily. She's currently pursuing a degree in Primary Education, something she's destined to do, and I just know that if she's ha;f as good a teacher if she is a friend, her future students are lucky as hell.

We can go days or even weeks without seeing each other, yet when we do, nothing has ever changed. We can spark up a conversation as if we'd had no time apart. I've told her this, but to lose her would be like losing my right arm. I can honestly say I don't know what I'd do without her, and I never want to find out.

So, to the most mental, funny, positive person I know, this is a dedication I hope you'll appreciate when you read. Bad news, you're stuck with me for a while yet.