Mixed-up metaphors.

It’s human nature to beat around the bush, avoid the obvious, tip-toe around the subject matter at all costs. But why is it, we can never say what we actually mean? We throw about one-too-many sneaky metaphors lately, and I’m beginning to think it’s a bad habit. There seems to be something about speaking your mind or saying exactly what you think that’s risky. Do you brand yourself the “arrogant” one, the “bitch” or the “tosser” because you’re “blunt” and speak up? Or do you become a shrinking violet, shy away into yourself and hover around the truth like a moth dallying around a flame, scarcely aware of the danger which lies ahead? Sometimes, using all of these back-handed, mixed-up, complicated metaphors is the lesser of two evils. At least, if you’re not 100% honest, you don’t risk hurting someone’s feelings or making a name for yourself as the bitchiest girl around.

We live in a world where the clichéd “it’s not you, it’s me” and “we’ll maybe we’re better off as friends” are the norm. They echo between the school corridors and rattle around the walls of workplaces. Yet, it’s funny, we all know what the underlying meaning really is. “It’s not you, it’s me” does mean it’s you but we’re all too polite to come right out with it. Being Friend-zoned, everyone knows, just is another back-handed term for telling someone you used to associate with, that you actually don’t want to establish a “relationship” and that time you kissed after seventeen Tequila slammers really was just the drink talking, not you confessing your undying love for a colleague, friend or associate.

Everywhere we go, we seem to be surrounded by our inability to tell the truth, point out the obvious and embrace honesty as really “the best policy.” When did we start needing life to be not only sugar-coated, but deep-fried in chocolate and wrapped in a dozen layers of cotton wool? When did the truth really get so ugly? Hide haphazardly behind your rose-tinted RayBans all you like, we can never, ever, fully escape the truth. Even if it is buried deep under our skin, it’s always waiting to break out like a caged gremlin on a vengeful promise.

Maybe we should be more honest with each other. Maybe lying does really breed contempt. Is it more damaging to hide behind your mixed messages and metaphors or to speak the truth and dare to get chastised for it? This time, I really don’t know. I think it depends on context. If your friend is trying a dress on that really doesn't suit her, and she asks your opinion, you politely suggest another dress to try on instead, rather than tell her out-right that you abhor her choice of outfit, hurt her feelings and risk damaging your friendship. However, if someone asks you straight-up for the truth, they catch you off-guard. You stammer. You become cagey. Your become unable to process your own thoughts. They become trapped in a limbo unlike any other, between your brain and your tongue, the words just linger.

Does this person really want to hear the God Honest truth, or are they testing to see whether you’ll follow your brain or your conscience? I think that’s a judgement call. Sometimes it is better to speak your mind, but other times., keep shtum unless its absolutely necessary. Some things aren't meant to be repeated, no matter how much you want to share it.

I don't need you.

I don't need you to hold my hand, or wipe away my tears, or brush the hair out of my eyes. I don't need you to look at me like that. I don't need you to act all protective and cocky around me one minute, and then the next, walk away. I don't need your 3 am phone calls or drunken texts being all flirty and weird. I don't need your acknowledgement that I'm "pretty when I'm drunk" or that you like me when I'm sober. I don't need your attention, your approval or your help stumbling into a taxi. I don't need you to tell me I've drank too much tequila. I don't need your hugs, or stolen kisses, or your stupid denial and your arrogant lies. I don't need your resentment. I don't need your ignorance, or your attitude, or your fucking lack of respect. I don't need your stupidity, your awful decisions and your ability to sweep me off my feet when you give me that look. I don't need your guilt trips, your sympathy or your pity. And most importantly, I don't, nor have I ever, needed you. Don't forget it, sweetheart.

Flaws.

Drunk me and sober me, are two very different peoples; poles apart, opposite ends of the spectrum. While I'm overly-confident with too many vodkas down my neck, when Sober Me puts in an appearance, all of that disappears. The truth is, I'm a bundle of nerves and flaws. In reality, I'm selfish and neurotic and paranoid and I don't really trust anyone. I spend so much time trusting the wrong people, that the so-called "right" people, never get a look in. I tend to push people away when I care about them, because I'm just waiting for someone to lie to me again. I credit the people who don't fill my head with empty promises, even if it isn't silence I truly want to hear. Flaws are clear up-close, so I keep too many people at arms-length, and I'm always letting the wrong people in. I'm putting it down to being young and gullible, but that excuse is going to wear thin soon, as I'm turning twenty in a few months. Until then, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Truthful lies.

My head is all over the place at the moment, it's like I can't concentrate on anything. I don't trust myself to make my own decisions, because every time I do, I get hurt, screwed over or let down. So, if I don't trust myself, how the hell am I supposed to trust anyone else? I realise I can't let my mistakes hang over my head forever, but they do seem to gather like a bad smell. It's like I can't get away from them. My own decision-making is gradually going downhill, so should I trust myself, when I seem to be the one constantly at the root of my own unhappiness? I'm too gullible to recognise a lie, and picking them out of the half-truths I get fed, is becoming increasingly difficult. Mistakes may make good stories, but eventually, you get tired of repeating them, it gets you down. How do you spot a good thing when you see it? Especially if you don't really trust your instincts? I have friends all around me, telling me to "be careful" and "watch my back" and all of the other trashy, half-hearted yet from-a-good-place comments, as if I'm the five year old who is unable to decide which crayon to draw with. I feel insulted when people don't trust my opinions and my instincts, yet I feel like maybe there's a reason they're so quick to dismiss my trusting ways. Maybe I do just make mistake after mistake after mistake. I need to figure out how to pick out the good times from the crowd, discard the bad decisions and not dwell on things that make me unhappy. To break the cycle, I must trust myself and have the courage of my convictions. Every time I say "I trust you," I need to learn to mean it with every bone in my body, so that when someone tells me otherwise, I can confidently dismiss them. It's not my fault, trust is such a dirty word.

BFU: Big Fat Users.

I hate them, you hate them, everybody on the planet hates them. There isn’t a more gut-wrenching feeling than finding out that someone who you previously trusted, has, in fact, just been using you, leading you on, or just being waiting to blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets.

No matter how many messages you send, smiles you flash or kisses you share, there’s always a distinct possibility that that someone is using you. Do people get a kick out of it? Do they like the attention but nothing more? Are they serious commitment-phobes? What is it? Do they just like screwing around. All of the above seem applicable in my case. I don’t understand why someone would go out of their way to lead me on, and then slag me off, and belittle me in front of their friends. It’s not big, it’s not clever, it doesn’t make you a LAD. It makes you a first-grade douche bag or a down-right bitch, an award that not even the most ignorant of you want to willingly accept. 

Whether it's a guy you currently have feelings for, a friend who you always think has somewhere they'd rather be or just someone who goes out of their way to make you feel like you're second-rate, they're all equally as bad as each other. It's annoying and from time to time, I want to casually approach them and scream something degrading and insulting right in their small little faces. It's an awful, cruel thing to do, and so many lovely, genuine people I know have been screwed over, turned down or humiliated, because of someone they know, and at one point, trusted just a bit too much. 

These people don't even deserve the attention or the acknowledgement they'd receive from a blog post such as this one, but my anger needs to be released in a less conflicting way than throwing a punch (or more likely a drink) over said culprit. Either way, all you undeserving, innocent bystanders, presumably all share my hatred for such kinds of people. I don't know what makes them think they're "entitled" to treat others in such a way, or what kind of kick they get out it. It's unacceptable, ruthlessly vicious and down-right uncalled for, but those BFU's still feel the need to pick up and drop people like it's some kind of sport.

I guess all we can do, as the (somewhat) innocent parties, is act like we aren't even phased by it, show we are in fact The Bigger People, and occasionally (really, ONLY occasionally) give them a taste of their own, bitter medicine.